MYSTERY DINING with recipes: Chapter One

In a desperate bid for increased popularity, I have engaged a mystery guest to showcase some amazing food and share the recipes so that you can recreate these mighty fine dishes in the comfort of your own homes. 

I STARTER: FRESHLY EXPOSED OYSTERS

The key to great oysters, apart from freshness, is the manner in which the oyster flesh have been exposed. They must be exposed to the standard of Summary Offences Act  1988 (NSW) s 5. Only then can one boast a truly fine-dining standard experience. 

s 5 Exposed Oysters

Method:

1. Locate liberal-minded oysters
2. Embarrass oysters, but do not wash the oysters in fresh water 
3. Put on stage with lemon wedges.

 II AGITATED SCALLOPS WITH PEA PUREE AND CRISPY PROSCIUTTO

Scallops are calm creatures which require some level of agitation to release their natural pheromone. Supple flesh must be treated with all due respect, and handled with kid gloves (made of real kids). These gentle creatures, upon agitation, are best subdued on a soft bed of pea puree and decorated with Pollock-esque gusto.

Agitated Scallops

Method

1. Dishabille scallops and drown them in a loving broth of butter and olive oil until achieving a Gold Coast tan. 
2. Bewilder cooked peas, mint and mascarpone. Spoon lovingly on presentation plate in preparation for the agitated scallops. 
3. Place prosciutto in your home edition of Inferno, also known as 'oven' in less Dante-loving circles. 
4. Spatter balsamic glaze and exfoliated lemon upon the canvas of your plate, following the technique of Jackson Pollock.
5. Serve and gloat. 

III FERDINAND AND ISABELLA SALAD

Greenery, unlike soft flesh, need not be treated with tender loving care. In fact, the goal of cooking with such devious creatures is to assist them in achieving redemption.

Enlightened Salad

Method:

1. Water-board salad leaves until they confess their sins.
2. Whip together oil, mustard, lemon tears (remember to tell them a sad story first or show them prior victims), salt and pepper until harmonised. 
3. Caress the salad leaves (which by now have come clean) with the dressing. 
4. Dispose of in large, clear coffin. 
5. Serve with a ravished meat or vegetarian item of your choice.